My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
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Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Don’t forget to tip your server