Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
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Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
getting groceries
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Who.
Did.
This?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*