Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
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Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Terribly Tuesday.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.