Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
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I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
weddings should have a worst man
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
thank god the sign was there
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!