Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
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I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend