Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
💯😂
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.