spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
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Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Happy Thanksgiving
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?