[spider’s junk email folder]
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-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”