Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.