Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.