[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
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If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
CRYING
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*