Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this