Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

no exceptions

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time