Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
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The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me