Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
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We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
podcasts
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes