Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
You Might Also Like
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Wolves should really raise more people.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
those birds must be on payroll
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.