Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”