Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here