Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Uh oh…
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
