Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
😂🐈⬛
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*