Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball