Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

See..?

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My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen