Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.