Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
10/10 no notes
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE