Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

😏😏😏

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.