Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Dune (2021)
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
idk flipping houses looks really hard