Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.