(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!