Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

work smarter, not harder

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

What an awful time to have common sense.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

no way 😭

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

🇺🇸🤭

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand