Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

My last name is Zilla.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡