*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
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no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
fourth time’s the charm
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY