Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons