Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Dolls on drugs

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

How I like cutting carbs

Reporter: *ports again*

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.