[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Traveler’s camo
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero