Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
“Where’d my boomerang go?”
Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”
*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*