Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.