Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant