[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
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me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.