SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
True statement👍😏😁
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO