spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.