spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
☠️ ☠️
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda