Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”