spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.