Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
