Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
