Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…