*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.