Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.