Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.