Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
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Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Saw this yesterday lol
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
2022 be like
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
A comic by Dan Piraro
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath