spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
