Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

#parenting

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

real

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”