spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever