spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Respect
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.