spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
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*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
How does someone manage that 🤨
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.