spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Oh we’ve met.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
lmao
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.