spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
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Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
wow he looks just like him
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination