Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Look, a pure bread cat!

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

No regrets in 2018

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.