Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.