Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

plums roundup

me hitting on a model

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I will.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?