Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

why isn’t thunder called soundning

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

I’m the neighbor

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

They did not think through this water fountain

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

buying dead houseplants to save time

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.