Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

skipping every song that reminds me of him

-me, listing to the playlist i made for him

Festive toon…

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.