*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
“our sushi is very fresh”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?