*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen