*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket