Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

This is Sparta

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”