Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

😂

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.