Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes