Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

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[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

(more comics:

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

I was just discussing this with my cat

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.