Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

“No way.” -Jose

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about