Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.