Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house