Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

im gay on my mothers side

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones