Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Best mom ever 😂

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

The happy life.. 😊

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat