Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.