Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
this was very charming
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed